Under The “Additional Skills” Portion Of My Resume

And I’m pertyyy good at fantasy football too. And one time, in seminary, I helped my professor turn on the projector.

So…yeah.

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Searching

To the Representative for Universal Studios in Hollywood:

Me: Hello! I’m a talented young actor that has a lot of experience, and I’m looking for a job!

Them: Talk to me, baby-cakes!

Me: Um…(baby-cakes?)…well…I’m really talented, and I love acting, and I’m thinking a more serious, stoic role-

Them: What have you done before?

Me: Well, I was in a commercial.

Them: Gnarly. What was it? Axe commercial? Ripped abs and females flocking?

Me: Um. Sorta. Jeep Wrangler and kayaks capsizing.

Them: …Um, okay. We’ll work with it. What else?

Me: I was the mayor in “Christmas at the O.K. Chorale”!

Them: When was that produced?

Me: Hm, lessee…late nineties.

Them: Did we produce it?

Me: No, it was a production of Mason Elementary School. Three booked showings.

Them: ….

Me: Hello?

Them…

Me: …hey…um…baby-cakes?

Them: Try Disney.

 

 

At the start of one of my kayak tours:

Me: So where are you all from?

Them: Um…New York area.

Me: Excellent, and what do you do there?

Them: Oh, I own a software company, we do differ-

Me: Sweet! Wanna hire me?

Them: What?

 

 

To the bank teller:

Me: Here you go. Here’s my money. Still not too much…

Them: Thanks, here’s your deposit slip.

Me: Are you hiring?

Them: Am I what?

Me: Hiring. Can I work here? Please? I’m fun, creative, have a degree, and I really like puppies, and customers and things that make me hirable….

Them: Actually, we are looking for part time help in one of our stores up north…

Me: YES!

Them: We need someone that’s bilingual though…any chance you speak French?

 

 

On the phone with L.L. Bean:

Them: Well…yes…yes we did review your application. And, um, you’re a solid applicant. We think you might be a good fill for this job, but…

Me: ….but what?

Them: Well, you look great on paper and all…it’s just that…um…

Me: ….yes?

Them: Well, we misread your application. When we saw “Bryn” we immediately thought you were a girl, and we need a female for this position.

To the Police officer that pulled me over:

Me: Here’s my license and registration, sir. Say, ya’ll wouldn’t happen to be hiring down there at the station wouldja?

 

 

To the manager at a local ski resort:

Them: Well, you have a decent application and your references spoke highly of you, so let’s get on with the interview.

Me: Great!

Them: So do you have a lot of skiing experience?

Me: Yes! I’ve been skiing since I was 9.

Them: Great, great. Where have you skied?

Me: Oh, um…well…mostly, in the west.

Them: So Colorado…Montana…Utah?

Me: Uh..yea… sorta.

Them: Where exactly?

Me: Well, mostly Ohio, Indiana and Wisconsin.

Them: ….

Me: Hello?

Them: I thought you said out west?

Me: That is west! West of here….

Click!

Me: Hello?

 

 

At a local restaurant:

Them: So do you have a college degree?

Me: I need a college degree to work here?

Them: Not necessarily, but with today’s economy, jobs are wicked competitive.

Me: Then yes, I have a college degree.

Them: Where’d you go? Was it (enter list of east-coast-private-schools-with-fake-European-accents-on-the-vowels)??

Me: Um, no. Sorry. I went to school in the Midwest.

Them: Okay, where?

Me: Wheaton College.

Them: Oh. Well, I’ve never heard of it.

Me: ….

Them: Try McDonald’s.

 

 

To all of the above:

Me: Well, okay. I understand. But could you at least check out my blog? Please. It’s the least you could do….

 

 

 

And so, the job search continues….