Every Christmas, The First Time I Hear The Song “Christmas Shoes” On The Radio


Every year, at about this time, I am reminded of something I’d spent the six months following last Christmas trying to forget: radio stations still play “Christmas Shoes.”

Why? I don’t know. But whenever this reminder comes, I can’t help bemoaning my decision to part ways with those old Ayn Rand audiobooks, so I could listen to them instead. Whenever I hear the song for the first time, I long for that old mix-tape I recorded of myself in high school, the one where I cover “Good Riddance” with angst-filled power-chords and vocals that sound like a garage door closed on a coyote’s tail… just so I could listen to that instead.

Because hearing “Christmas Shoes” on the radio is like being forced to eat fifteen Taco Bell burritos on Thanksgiving morning; it’s like someone insisting that you read Twilight as a prerequisite to beginning your master’s degree in Literature; like a wet, muddy dog leading a bridal procession down the isle. Once it’s done, you can’t undo it. And Christmas, though wonderful, majestic, glorious and hopeful, will never be the same. Not after hearing this song.

You can’t pour laxative into your ears (though, heaven knows I’ve tried); you can’t unhear “Christmas Shoes.”

In case you agree, here’s the 5 best ways to survive hearing this song.

Best of luck.

Oh, and happy almost St. Nick’s day.



When Fox News Warns That Seinfeld’s “Festivus” Promotes Persecution Of American Christians

I’m Either Like:


This in response to when Fox News host Gretchen Carlson recently  mentioned that Seinfeld’s “Festivus”, a fake holiday begun by George’s father (ironically) to protest the commercialization of other popular holidays, is helping “erode” America’s “heritage” and “strip our society of certain things that have been in existence for a long time.” Carlson is also behind the development of a motion picture scheduled to be released this year that is described as a “thriller” about looming Christian persecution in the States. I find this, at the very least, offensive to Christians worldwide who face actual persecution as well as a theo-political rendition of the “The Boy Who Cried Wolf”.

We’re not persecuted here in America, plain and simple. Trying to make that case while we have brothers and sisters in Syria, for example, who are literally being crucified for their faith is like standing next to a cancer patient in a hospital and complaining about a head-cold.

And Festivus, contrary to being an attack at the sacred nature of the “Christian” heritage of Christmas, is a de-commercialization of winter festivities at worst and a darn good Seinfeld episode at best. When Christ is absent from our worship it’s not because he’s being forced from our churches by some fictional character on a sitcom. Rather, it’s because he’s excluded from our churches in our hearts and preaching, bypassed with increasing intensity en route to concerns for our own welfare. 

All that goes to say, it will take more than a Festivus miracle to save us from this madness.