The One Where Hobby Lobby Gets Dumped Via Text Message

Or: Can’t We At Least Talk About This??

breakup text
Perhaps you heard the recent news about the Supreme Court’s decision concerning Hobby Lobby and their medical insurance. But if not, let me fill you in:

A little over a week ago, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of Hobby Lobby’s lawsuit (say those three words ten times fast, just for giggles) against the government, in which they petitioned that they shouldn’t have to provide certain abortive methods of birth control as part of their employee health insurance. This objection stemmed from the fact that Hobby Lobby is owned and operated by a Christian family and thus argued that being force to provide said birth control methods violated their religious beliefs.

So there’s that.

Now, as you might imagine (if you try for about .0000003 seconds) this ruling created quite the uproar. There have been numerous articles circulating about the Hobby Lobby decision, everything from people praising the ruling to others who are furious with both the Supreme Court and Hobby Lobby. These opinions have taken a variety of forms, one of which was a creatively contrived breakup letter written by a certain Stephanie Schroeder, expressing her angst and disgust with Hobby Lobby. These means are all insightful and creative ways of adding to the discussion. But not as good as what you’re about to read.

Because what no one has uncovered (UNTIL NOW!!!) is the following text conversation between Hobby Lobby and someone else who decided to “break up” with them. That’s right, today I am pleased to bring you the exclusive texting break-up between Hobby Lobby and “Anonymous Former Customer” who is, evidently, rather ticked.

Without further adieu, here’s how that conversation went down:

 

Hobby Lobby: I got your email. Can we talk?

Anonymous Former Customer: We’re done talking.

Hobby Lobby: That seems a bit rash.

Anonymous Former Customer: Ha. Okay. Let’s try this: I don’t talk with oppressive chauvinistic bigots.

Hobby Lobby: To quote Anchorman: “That escalated quickly”.

Anonymous Former Customer: Do you think this is a joke? Do you think that oppression of women is a joke?

HL: Seriously?

AFC: YES. WHAT PART OF MY TONE MAKES YOU THINK I’M NOT BEING SERIOUS?

HL: How do you think I’m being oppressive?

AFC: You refuse to provide birth control for your employees.

HL: That’s simply not true.

AFC: Oh really? And I guess that next thing you’re going to tell me that you also sell quality products?

HL: That was low, doncha think?

AFC: Hardly. Look, if you really want to have a conversation about this then let’s talk. But know that it doesn’t change anything between us. We’re never getting back together.

HL: Did I just get T-Swifted? Okay, fine. Let’s talk. I didn’t deny birth control to anyone. Just certain types of birth control.

AFC: Exactly. And what makes you think you have that right?

HL: The right not to PAY for someone else’s birth control?

AFC: This isn’t about you paying for birth control this is about you imposing your religious beliefs on someone else.

HL: Who am I forcing my religious beliefs on?

AFC: YOUR EMPLOYEES!

HL: HOW? I never said they couldn’t USE type of birth control. I just said that I wouldn’t pay for it!

AFC: What business is it of yours what type of birth control I want to use? You think that just because you’re my employer that you can decide how I live my life?

HL: When the business I own is paying for the insurance that provides said birth control it is LITERALLY my business. Plan B birth control is something that is deemed by MANY religions to be an abortive form of birth control.

AFC: Plan B birth control isn’t always abortive. Sometimes it is used as simply another form of birth control. The same as any other type.

HL: I’m not arguing with that.

AFC: Sometimes it’s a means of preventing a pregnancy that hasn’t occurred yet.

HL: I just said I wasn’t disputing that… I know several people who use it that way, too.

AFC: Then why wouldn’t you provide it?

HL: Because sometimes it IS abortive! Sometimes it does cause the early termination of a pregnancy that has occurred.

AFC: I have a right to quality healthcare.

HL: …. that seems like a tangent from this discussion.

AFC: Um no. That is the POINT of this discussion. Your position is the perfect example of a bunch of men making decisions for women about how they treat their bodies.

HL: I could care less how women treat their bodies. I’m concerned about the life that is started by a pregnancy.

AFC: WHICH IS PART OF A WOMAN’S BODY.

HL: AND ALSO A NEW LIFE IN AND OF ITSELF (caps lock works on my phone too)

AFC: I couldn’t disagree with you more.

HL: What if I insulted Ayn Rand too?

AFC: You really think this a joke, don’t you?

HL: No, there’s nothing joking about her literature. I can’t see how you manage to read that crap.

AFC: You’re such an ass.

HL: But you rooted for the Dallas Cowboys. So I guess you’re test is questionable across the board.

AFC: Blocking you now….

HL: Wait. Can’t I just explain myself? Can’t we just talk about this with open minds? Can’t we both be understanding of the other’s viewpoint and respect the other person?

AFC: HA! You talk about “respect”?

HL: Yes. I respect your viewpoint and I respect you.

AFC: Um, last I checked you don’t respect me: you refuse to acknowledge my right to birth control.

HL: For the LAST TIME I never refused that. Ever. I just said I wouldn’t pay for it. How is that not respecting your rights?? I should be allowed to go workout at a gym, but I’m not asking you to pay for me to do that.

AFC: That’s so NOT the same thing. Again: that’s a great example of MASCULINE logic deciding how WOMEN’s health works. Pregnancy is something that no woman should have to go through if she doesn’t want too.

HL: Should women have the right to live?

AFC: What the hell is the matter with you- did you really just say that?

HL: Answer the question: should.women.have.the.right.to.live?

AFC: Yes.

HL: Then if I believe that fertilization and implantation of an egg in the wall of a uterus marks the beginning of life, isn’t it understandable why I would have a MORAL issue with a form of birth control that prevents that.

AFC: Yea but you shouldn’t IMPOSE YOUR BELIEFS ON YOUR EMPLOYEES!

HL: How am I imposing my beliefs on my employees by just saying I won’t pay for something that goes against them?
AFC: BECAUSE YOU ARE DENYING THEM THEIR RIGHTS!

HL: What? I don’t get it. Don’t I have a right to my religion? Don’t I have a right to my views? Don’t I have a right not to pay for something that my religion says is wrong? I pay my employees nearly DOUBLE the minimum wage. I provide great benefits for them and have one of the highest satisfaction ratings of employers in the country. I just won’t buy them an abortion.

AFC: ARE YOU SERIOUS? It’s not always an abortion!!!!

HL: BUT SOMETIMES IT IS. Look would you buy heroine for someone who was a heroin addict?

AFC: I know where you’re going with this. Not the same thing.

HL: Would you? What if he was on withdrawal and about to die? Would you do it? Would you buy him more heroin?

AFC: I’m not even going to acknowledge this correlation.

HL: Personally, I probably would. If he was going to die and there was no other way. But if he wasn’t going to die, I wouldn’t. And either way, I should never be forced to.

AFC: So a girl who gets pregnant is a heroin addict? Yea? That’s the correlation you want to make? Women wanting good healthcare are the equivalent of heroin addicts.

HL: NO that’s not what I’m saying.

AFC: Kinda sounds like it. No, wait: that’s EXACTLY what it sounds like. You could care less about them, you’re just concerned with your religious views being accepted by everyone.

HL: No, I’m not. I just can’t justify paying for an abortion. Abortion is wrong, that is my religious conviction. I’m just asking that I be able to practice my religion.

AFC: And an 18-year-old girl having to carry a baby because she can’t afford birth control isn’t wrong?

HL: When did I say I wouldn’t pay for her birth control again? What part of the conversation did that come up in? Oh right, when I agreed to 16 of the 20 mandated forms of birth control. I just didn’t agree to ones that violated my religions principles.

AFC: And now EVERYONE ELSE must abide by your principles.

HL: NO! I’m just not going to pay for THEIRS! If I asked you to pay for my Bible would you be happy?

AFC: I’d rather buy a dead puppy.

HL: Well, I also need spiritual retreats every now and then. You should probably pay for those too.

AFC: Again, not the same thing.

HL: Why? Because now you’re the one paying for what I believe?

AFC: I don’t understand you and I don’t respect your decisions. I can only respect people who don’t force their beliefs on other people.

HL: ^ Ah ha! Webster was looking for a new definition for “Oxymoron”.

AFC: This conversation is over. For real now.

HL: What? Because I disagree with you?

HL: Great. Who’s being open-minded now?

HL: I know you’re reading these.

HL: Can I at least get my Ayn Rand collection back from you?

HL: Or my Taylor Swift CD?

HL: The Cowboys suck.

 

 

 

The point here being: There is a lot of frustration and passionate beliefs on both sides of this conversation. And while we might adamantly disagree with each other, and both hold our opinions, I have to beg the question:

Can’t we at least talk about this??

More on this soon…

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4 thoughts on “The One Where Hobby Lobby Gets Dumped Via Text Message

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