5 Things You Probably Shouldn’t Remind A Seminary Student About During Finals Week

OR: A Satirical Way Of Apologizing For How We Future Church Leaders Handle Stress Is What I Really Wanted To Title This But Such Nomenclature Is Neither Diplomatic Nor Catchy

 

1) Sleeping, Eating, Bills, Showering, Shaving…

Cat

All of these are never a good thing to inquire about during finals week. Because, see, here’s the thing: we’ve got finals, which means lots and lots of studying. Responsibilities, real life, adulthood….that can wait. Finals can’t. So yea…maybe you should hold off on the whole “reminding us about real life” thing. Definitely maybe.

2)The Fact That No One Outside of Seminary Cares About Our GPA

“Uh, hey…buddy…you do realize that unless you’re going on to doctoral work or GPA has something to do with organizing a church potluck then….”

someone that cares

Yea, okay so that might be true. But uh… shut-up. Don’t remind us. Let us suffer under the weight of self-imposed stature. Please and thank you.

3) The Necessity of A Social Life

What? Wait…you…you actually think that pastors need social skills? HA! What an absurd notion. And even if that were true, even if you were able to prove that we pastoral trainees need social skills, our response would still remain:

like books

Yea. Sorry we’re not sorry.

4) That the Whole Sabbath Thing Wasn’t Really, Exactly, Probably a Suggestion.

Because commandments like “honor the sabbath” etc. etc. really aren’t strict rules, per say:

Rules?

Because if you remind us about Sabbath we’ll whip you into shape with our contextually superior Biblical knowledge. Cause, see, you have to look at the Sabbath rule in the context of the time period. For the ancient Israelite, taking a Sabbath and resting from their work didn’t mean much: just meant that they put off planting and harvesting crops, providing for their families, taking care of their livestock (which weren’t pets, but tomorrow’s supper) and building walls and stuff like that to ensure that raiding hordes of Ammonites, Hittites, Paganites and Ite-Ites didn’t ransack their livelihood, destroy everything, kill their women and babies etc, etc. So contextually, it makes sense why we should throw out the Sabbath. Grades are much more important than anything they were dealing with (see point #1).

5) Grace

Because Grades are more important. No matter what anyone says.

saved by works not by grace
So this is awkward.

Okay…but Luther didn’t have finals in mind when he was talking about that verse. He was just talking about minut things…like salvation. So… again…context people.

So yea…when it comes down to it just avoid us for now. Give us a wide berth.We’ve kinda got a lot on our plates. But if you absolutely must help us, and are desperate for a way to encourage us, then just keep sending us inspirational songs like this:

<<END SATIRE>>

I obviously think intellect is important. I obviously think that we should take school seriously. But at the same time I think we need to avoid the obnoxious fallacy of taking ourselves too seriously. Take the topics seriously, take theology seriously, take vocational duties seriously… take your work seriously. But at the end of the day, we seminarians, and all students for that matter,  would do well to remember that our work and our success is not our own.

Annd that’s my Monday soapbox. Happy finals week everyone!

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