I’m pretty busy this morning so I’m just going to cut to the chase.
I saw Noah last night. It’s not Biblical. Just had to say it. And as Evangelicals, we should probably make sure everyone knows that.
To help out, below I’ve given you a few Biblically concrete reasons why Evangelical Christians need to avoid seeing it at all costs:
A) The Bible never literally says that Noah was a man with a beard. Never. Not once. (Genesis 6-7, duh)
2) The Bible never literally says that Noah had a deep voice. Uh-uh. It’s not in there. I’ve looked. For all we know he could have talked like Smeagol.
The fact that director Darren Aronofsky would choose to depict him as having a deep voice obviously proves he’s out to destroy the gospel. He has no other agenda. (Genesis 6-7. Again. Duh.)
D) The Bible never said Noah was an environmentalist. In fact, what it actually says was that Noah had a right-wing, Evangelically angled political mindset. The fact that Noah might have loved any of the creatures he took onto the ark, or that God himself actually has any affinity towards Creation other than just letting human beings use and abuse it en route to their salvation, is simply poppycock (uh…reference pending).
5) And most atrocious of all: instead of actually say “God” the stiff-necked movie writers insist on referring to him as “Creator”. What would Jesus say if he watched the movie?
Probably. Because we all know that God only has one name and it is “God”. There are no other names or means of describing him used ANYWHERE in the Bible. Nowhere. Especially not in the original languages. Especially not in the Old Testament. Never. Not once. Uh-uh. (for reference read the entire Original King James Bible)
At the end of the day, here’s what Christian’s need to realize: The story-telling liberties taken by these pagan filmmakers should lead us to conclude we best stick to our firm, informed and inerrantly foolproof version of the Noah story:
We should not rejoice and take joy in the fact that the Biblical narrative is confoundedly intricate and mysterious, that it compels wonder and intrigue capable of propelling a self-proclaimed atheist on a mission to try and tell one of its stories. We should not rejoice in the power of story, power which transcends even our own attempts to tell a tale and works through Christians and non-Christians alike to bring glory to
Our Creator, my bad, God. We should not embrace the chance to engage with cultural perceptions of our faith and a chance to learn something about ourselves and our faith from a different angle.
No, we shouldn’t. We should just go see some real Christian movie that sticks to our version of the story and keep ourselves blocked off from the rest of the world.
There. I’m an Evangelical. Hear me roar.
That’s all. Happy weekend.