A Concise Biblical Objection To The Noah Movie


I’m pretty busy this morning so I’m just going to cut to the chase.

I saw Noah last night. It’s not Biblical. Just had to say it. And as Evangelicals, we should probably make sure everyone knows that.

To help out, below I’ve given you a few Biblically concrete reasons why Evangelical Christians need to avoid seeing it at all costs:

A) The Bible never literally says that Noah was a man with a beard. Never. Not once. (Genesis 6-7, duh)

2) The Bible never literally says that Noah had a deep voice. Uh-uh. It’s not in there. I’ve looked. For all we know he could have talked like Smeagol.


The fact that director Darren Aronofsky would choose to depict him as having a deep voice obviously proves he’s out to destroy the gospel. He has no other agenda. (Genesis 6-7. Again. Duh.)

D) The Bible never said Noah was an environmentalist. In fact, what it actually says was that Noah had a right-wing, Evangelically angled political mindset. The fact that Noah might have loved any of the creatures he took onto the ark, or that God himself actually has any affinity towards Creation other than just letting human beings use and abuse it en route to their salvation, is simply poppycock (uh…reference pending).

5) And most atrocious of all: instead of actually say “God” the stiff-necked movie writers insist on referring to him as “Creator”. What would Jesus say if he watched the movie?

Something like that?
Something like that?

Probably. Because we all know that God only has one name and it is “God”. There are no other names or means of describing him used ANYWHERE in the Bible. Nowhere. Especially not in the original languages. Especially not in the Old Testament. Never. Not once. Uh-uh. (for reference read the entire Original King James Bible)

At the end of the day, here’s what Christian’s need to realize: The story-telling liberties taken by these pagan filmmakers should lead us to conclude we best stick to our firm, informed and inerrantly foolproof version of the Noah story:

Now THAT's Biblical.
Now THAT’s Biblical.

We should not rejoice and take joy in the fact that the Biblical narrative is confoundedly intricate and mysterious, that it compels wonder and intrigue capable of propelling a self-proclaimed atheist on a mission to try and tell one of its stories. We should not  rejoice in the power of story, power which transcends even our own attempts to tell a tale and works through Christians and non-Christians alike to bring glory to Our Creator, my bad, God. We should not embrace the chance to engage with cultural perceptions of our faith and a chance to learn something about ourselves and our faith from a different angle.

No, we shouldn’t. We should just go see some real Christian movie that sticks to our version of the story and keep ourselves blocked off from the rest of the world.

So this is awkward.
So this is awkward.

There. I’m an Evangelical. Hear me roar.

((Beyond the satire, if you want to read an actual article presenting further reason for everyone to calm down, check out this link))


That’s all. Happy weekend.



7 thoughts on “A Concise Biblical Objection To The Noah Movie

  1. My favorite all my roads post yet. When I opened this, I thought you were about to be another person ripping the movie for which in turn I would’ve ripped you. Well done sir. This caught me completely off guard

  2. Wow Noah didn’t have a beard . Every depiction of Noah shows him with one even your cartoon drawing has a beard. God has many names in the bible. What bible do you read where he only goes by God? It must be very abridged. Jesus says to let your light shine but clearly you want to put it in a bushel. It is half baked rhetoric like this that makes Christianity about as appealing as Scientology. You are entitled to your opinion no matter how skewed it may be at times but to say Noah isn’t accurate because of a beard and word choice for a god is really short sided.

    1. Hey James,
      I couldn’t agree with you more. Inasmuch, I think we’re missing each other here. This entire post is meant to be satirical. No accurate Biblical text portrays The Divine with only the English version of “God”. Just because the Bible doesn’t say Noah didn’t have a beard doesn’t mean that it is not safe to infer a man in that time period did. My point is that these objections hold about as much water as most of the Christian reviews floating around out there and its somewhat absurd. I am in direct agreement with your point, and further admire your description of these notions as “half baked rhetoric”. I hope you see my message as such conveyed through satire. Thanks for speaking out and reading- I hope you continue to do so.

  3. Thank you for reminding me that religious people can still be tolerant, thoughtful, and can have a sense of humor. Well done!

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