Ceaselessly Into The Past

I spent this last week visiting my parents in my home state. They’re on the verge of moving and asked me to go through my remaining possessions to see what could be discarded. A couple mornings into my stay, I found my way to a corner room in the basement where several boxes eagerly awaited my judgment. I opened one box. Inside were stacks of folders, notebooks and texts from my undergraduate classes. At the bottom were numerous manuscripts. Short stories, poems, and newspaper articles all accumulated from my collegiate musings. I even stumbled upon the pages of the novel I’d crafted during that time, a good find considering winter is around the corner and I’ve plum run out of kindling. I grabbed these and a few other texts then set the rest aside as trash.

The next box was from my younger years. It had my first photo album with baby pictures and snapshots of me as a kid, in-between my sister and brother, both of whom are now married. Another box contained peewee football trophies, Bible camp badges and model airplanes often missing a wing or two. Yet another held high school yearbooks, concert tickets, notes from friends and past relationships, an array of nostalgic items closing in on the current version of me.

I looked up. In my perusal of memories, I’d closed myself in to a niche of boxes. I glanced at my watch and realized that nearly two hours had passed since I’d entered the room and several boxes still awaited my verdict. A simple tasked suddenly seemed overwhelming; the room felt suffocating. I scurried my way out then changed clothes and took a run around the neighborhood. I needed to clear my head.

Tom Stoppard said that we shed as we pick up, like travelers who must carry everything in their arms. It scares me that I can say “remember when…” and have multiple tales attached. It scares me that, young as I am, I don’t know how to handle the memories I’ve got. It’s not bad memories that hurt; rather, these are the ones that I shed without a thought of carrying them further. Pictures of lost loves, letters that were never delivered or disposed, the program for the memorial service of a friend, these I put in a small pile to tuck away quietly,  splinters on my cross; with happy icons it’s not so easy.

Because the prayer “thy kingdom come” doesn’t account for the feeling of heaven sliding under me like a treadmill. It doesn’t account for the first drive with my license, stadium lights on a Friday night, the first look into her eyes, Christmas snow falling outside the window, the sunsets, poetry and all quaint memories of this world. I should be thankful for all these things, and I try. But mostly they stack up inside of me, a constant temptress for visitation while what I want, what I need, is a prayer of gratitude, a thanksgiving of good riddance and the weight to be gone.

Returning from my run, I slowed to a trot before walking up my parent’s driveway. Their house was built in the 1920’s and by the looks of things the driveway wasn’t much younger. Glancing it over, I couldn’t help but admire the numerous well-defined cracks it contained from end to end. Curious, I sat down for a closer look. Viewed up close, each crack told it’s own story. Rarely is a crack the result of a negative outside force like earthquakes or sledgehammers. A good hot summer with low humidity can lead to water evaporating too quickly from the surface of a driveway, causing it to dry faster than the bottom and thus pulling the two sections apart. While everyone else is basking in the glory of perfect weather, driveways are bearing the marks of blessing.

Kurt Vonnegurt proposed that time is like a mountain range viewed from afar; one moment of eternity exists at any other moment, just in different locations. Perhaps my time is something like a driveway. It paves the way to somewhere and the beginning is just as much a part of me as the end. With just a glance, one could see that my driveway is littered with the cracks of wonderful. It’s scarred with the memories of days when the sun shined so fully upon my face that underneath I couldn’t keep up and part of me had to break off in the wake of grace.

I stood up and dusted myself off before heading inside to return to my boxes, stepping over several cracks on my way. I still wasn’t sure what to make of it all, but at least I had a prayer, clarification, something close to thanksgiving: Thy kingdom come, running out from under me, cracks in the pavement from end to end.

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One thought on “Ceaselessly Into The Past

  1. Wow had no idea all that was going through your head as you went through the boxes! You have a great God,
    given gift to communicate it all! Well said! Xoxo

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