Or “Why Bryn Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Read Popular Teen Novels”
So, as you may have noticed, I’m currently operating on this theme of:
Maybe it’s because I’m in a serious relationship or maybe it’s because I’m looking at my summer vacation plans disappear beneath a stack of “Save the Dates”. Heck, maybe it’s because it’s February, Valentines Day is around the corner and for the first time in a while I won’t have to spend it with Jack, Daniel, Ben, Jerry and a large barf bucket because all of us combined never seem to get along (keep in mind that I love hypothetical’s).
Or maybe, just maybe, it’s because I recently read The Hunger Games.
The Hunger Games was a captivating book series several reasons, not the least of them being Katniss’ constant “which lover shall I choose?” syndrome. On the one hand, this was oddly reminiscent of what’s-her-face’s struggle between Sparkle Boy and Mr. Ripped Abs in Stephanie Myer’s Twilight.
But at the end of the series, I was pleased to discover that Suzanne Collins delivered us slightly more helpful pointers than staring at your beloved while they sleep and promising to “love and cherish until I accidentally suck your blood”. Indeed, through the tangled web of romance between Peeta and Katniss, she taught us quite a bit.
So, yes, I know I’m a little behind the curve on this one (I’m busssyyyy, okay?). I know these books have been out like since like Shakespeare (“omg totes man”), and I know the movies made them a mass sensation and now it’s no longer cool to like The Hunger Games. Whatever. I still do.
Furthermore, while I’m on the topic of love, sex, marriage, Christ, His Kingdom and a partridge in a pear tree…I figured I’d step back from the world of academia and into pop culture for a moment. Thus, I’ve decided to take a look and see what The Hunger Games can teach us about the wonderfully terrible world of dating:
1) Go Public
The first thing I learned from The Hunger Games is that a public declaration of love works every time. If there’s anything to be learned from Peeta (besides not to name your kid, Peeta…seriously) it’s when it comes to telling someone your interested in them, nothing is better than doing so in public. And don’t just settle for the town square; announce it to a massive crowd in the nation’s capital. Oh, and what the heck? Why not do it right on national television as well? Granted, Katniss is speechless and spends the next few days trying to kill him. But in the end, things work in his favor.
Takeaway: Guys, if you’ve had a crush on that girl since you met her and exchanged bread crumbs in the rain but haven’t had the guts to say something, go public! And not just in front of her friends either. No, no, no, no. Yell it out in church (don’t tell your pastor a seminarian suggested it though). Stand on a table at TGI Fridays (okay, or Perkins…that works too). Run with a banner on the field during a sports game (it’d be the best part about the Super Bowl this year…just saying). Be prepared though. Because the girl will probably hate you and possibly attempt to kill you. But if you can dodge her arrows and withstand the disgrace, humiliation, your family and friends all disowning you etc etc…you guys will get married.
2) English Majors are sexy
Would Peeta have majored in Chemistry?
Yeaaaaa, I doubt it.
Ya know, I’m just not seeing it.
What about a Bible and Theology Major?
Hahahahahahahaha. But no.
From the get-go, Collin’s illustrates Peeta as a passionate, sensitive and well-spoken character; in ways this is his near-fatal flaw. He’s taken prisoner by the enemy, not only for the purpose of baiting Katniss, but because they know his words could spark a rebellion. Prose is Peeta’s weapon and pensive stoicism his fuel. Even when his mind is brainwashed by Capitol, he still manages to hold conversations with Katniss the manner of a man who obviously reads Wordsworth.
Takeaway: It’s simple: become an English major, or at least stop making fun of us. Learning poetry is a good skill too.
3) There’s always the apocalypse
Perhaps you’re reading this and you’re just about fed up with romance. Maybe you’ve tried every gooey-eyed gesture in the book are still perpetually celibate. Instead of star-crossed conversations and luxuriously passionate (in a pure, abstinent, Christian sort of way, of course) Valentines Day plans, you find yourself dating the attractive wine bottle in your kitchen and hiccuping your way through 10 renditions of Katy Perry’s “The One That Got Away”. If that’s the case, then you can take comfort in this: there’s still the apocalypse.
If we learn anything from Katniss and Peeta, it’s that nothing draws lovers together like post-apocalyptic death matches. Indeed, recent surveys show that 95% of women would be more likely to “settle” in the event of an apocalypse, and those numbers jump to 98% if the apocalypse begins between the months of February and June (zombies, don’t tarry!). Also, for you females out there, it’s estimated that 78% of males would be more likely to “make a move” if the world was ending within the next 6 months, and 84% would be more likely to “pop the question” if you were dropped into an arena and told to kill each other (please note, numbers are approximate and their source imaginary). Point being, the apocalypse or some horrific civil war resulting in the conversion of our country to tyrannically imposed districts may be all that’s necessary for even eunuchs to find love.
Takeaway: Don’t give up hope. 2012 may have passed without the world ending, but there’s still meteors, nukes, global warming and Nikki Minaj on American Idol. The apocalypse will happen eventually. Unless, of course, the rapture comes first.
In that case, there is no hope. Sorry.
And that’s about it. As you can see, Miss Collins was on par with Mr. Sparks when it came to practical dating advice; my love life will never be the same and I’m sure yours won’t either (#keepreadingmyblog #please?). In other news, full-time studies start again next week…so I’ll get back to deep(er) thinking and stop extracting dating advice from cultural phenomenon…