To the Representative for Universal Studios in Hollywood:
Me: Hello! I’m a talented young actor that has a lot of experience, and I’m looking for a job!
Them: Talk to me, baby-cakes!
Me: Um…(baby-cakes?)…well…I’m really talented, and I love acting, and I’m thinking a more serious, stoic role-
Them: What have you done before?
Me: Well, I was in a commercial.
Them: Gnarly. What was it? Axe commercial? Ripped abs and females flocking?
Me: Um. Sorta. Jeep Wrangler and kayaks capsizing.
Them: …Um, okay. We’ll work with it. What else?
Me: I was the mayor in “Christmas at the O.K. Chorale”!
Them: When was that produced?
Me: Hm, lessee…late nineties.
Them: Did we produce it?
Me: No, it was a production of Mason Elementary School. Three booked showings.
Them: Try Disney.
At the start of one of my kayak tours:
Me: So where are you all from?
Them: Um…New York area.
Me: Excellent, and what do you do there?
Them: Oh, I own a software company, we do differ-
Me: Sweet! Wanna hire me?
To the bank teller:
Me: Here you go. Here’s my money. Still not too much…
Them: Thanks, here’s your deposit slip.
Me: Are you hiring?
Them: Am I what?
Me: Hiring. Can I work here? Please? I’m fun, creative, have a degree, and I really like puppies, and customers and things that make me hirable….
Them: Actually, we are looking for part time help in one of our stores up north…
Them: We need someone that’s bilingual though…any chance you speak French?
On the phone with L.L. Bean:
Them: Well…yes…yes we did review your application. And, um, you’re a solid applicant. We think you might be a good fill for this job, but…
Me: ….but what?
Them: Well, you look great on paper and all…it’s just that…um…
Them: Well, we misread your application. When we saw “Bryn” we immediately thought you were a girl, and we need a female for this position.
To the Police officer that pulled me over:
Me: Here’s my license and registration, sir. Say, ya’ll wouldn’t happen to be hiring down there at the station wouldja?
To the manager at a local ski resort:
Them: Well, you have a decent application and your references spoke highly of you, so let’s get on with the interview.
Them: So do you have a lot of skiing experience?
Me: Yes! I’ve been skiing since I was 9.
Them: Great, great. Where have you skied?
Me: Oh, um…well…mostly, in the west.
Them: So Colorado…Montana…Utah?
Me: Uh..yea… sorta.
Them: Where exactly?
Me: Well, mostly Ohio, Indiana and Wisconsin.
Them: I thought you said out west?
Me: That is west! West of here….
At a local restaurant:
Them: So do you have a college degree?
Me: I need a college degree to work here?
Them: Not necessarily, but with today’s economy, jobs are wicked competitive.
Me: Then yes, I have a college degree.
Them: Where’d you go? Was it (enter list of east-coast-private-schools-with-fake-European-accents-on-the-vowels)??
Me: Um, no. Sorry. I went to school in the Midwest.
Them: Okay, where?
Me: Wheaton College.
Them: Oh. Well, I’ve never heard of it.
Them: Try McDonald’s.
To all of the above:
Me: Well, okay. I understand. But could you at least check out my blog? Please. It’s the least you could do….
And so, the job search continues….